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Smart Women, Stupid Choices

February 17, 2011

She must be marriage material!

I am astonished to still be reading articles about how smarter women are less likely to get married. Are we still buying into this theory?!

I sometimes think articles like these are designed to scare young women into marriage “before it’s too late”. Let’s not even talk about the fact that the studies that support this theory are based on people who were born in the 1920s and, therefore, are sorely out of date. Nobody even mentions the fact that the premise assumes that marriage is a good thing, and these stupid women have won the prize, leaving the smarter women out in the cold.

Let us presume, for the purposes of this discussion, that marriage is a goal for all women, and that statistics are actually an accurate reflection on reality, more recent statistics show that, while women in their 20s are more likely to marry if they have a lower IQ, the reverse is true for single women in their 30s.

What’s the point? The point is we need to stop listening to all these stupid statistics! Because for every study that supports one theory, there is an equally compelling study to support another theory. And at the end of the day, you are more than just a percentile number. You (and everybody) are an actual person with a real life that, at times, may not conform to statistical norms.

But, it got me thinking about the way that women still buy into this theory, and feel they need to “dumb things down” in order to find a mate. This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!

Why it is not a good idea to pretend to be dumb to get a boyfriend:

  1. It is not true that all men (even smart successful men) prefer stupid women. It is true that some insecure, controlling, douche-bags prefer stupid women who will be submissive and with whom they can pretty much get away with bloody murder. But why would you want to be with a man like that?
  2. By acting dumber than you are, you will be attracting inappropriate men, and by inappropriate, I mean someone who is not well suited to you. Not all men can be lumped into a single category. Like women, men are all different (remember: men are people too!). Some men may be attracted to dumb women (read above… and run away if you find one), but that’s not true of all men. If a man is intimidated/turned off by who you are, brains and all, they clearly are not a good match for you so don’t give it another thought.
  3. By acting like a dumb bimbo, you may actually be driving away men who would otherwise be attracted to a smart, capable, successful woman. Just like some men prefer skinny girls, and some men prefer curves, there will be many men out there who will appreciate and seek out intelligent women. But, those men will not seek you out if all you are projecting is “I’m just a silly girl with no brains… but my hair is pretty!”

Of course, if an intelligent woman tries to hide her intelligence and acts like a dumb barbie, she will attract the wrong type of man. Her intelligence will then come bubbling to the surface (because, in case you haven’t noticed, you can’t actually make yourself dumber – no matter how many episodes of Jersey Shore you watch – you can only pretend… and that only lasts so long) and one of two things will happen: the man, who, let’s say for argument’s sake, is a shallow, insecure bastard, gets turned off by the fact that this girl can actually think for herself… OR, the guy is genuinely a nice, albeit simple, man, who does not begrudge a woman’s intelligence, however, the brainy gal quickly gets bored of this man because they don’t have anything in common.

Instead, let’s say that the intelligent woman grew a pair of &@(($ and refused to let a few rejections from clearly inappropriate men get her down, she would attract a man who appreciates and enjoys her company because she is smart (like him).

The thing is that, unfortunately (or actually, maybe fortunately…) the majority of the population is average, or below average, on the scale of intelligence (this is necessarily the case because average represents the norm into which most people would fall). I also believe that people are generally attracted to others of similar intelligence. Which means, for those who fall into the minority of above average intelligence, it may feel like the pool of potential dates is significantly smaller.

Guess what: men feel this way too! So many men I have met tell me that they find it so hard to meet a beautiful smart girl, and that they are so bored with stupid bimbos. In fact, I had a man tell me recently that he had once gone on a date with a woman who was a doctor, thinking finally he had found someone who must (surely) have some brains. He was very disappointed that she was completely stupid. Now, was she actually stupid, or was she just “dumbing it down”? I never met her, but she’s a DOCTOR. Obviously, she has some measure of intelligence, so my guess would be she was “dumbing it down”. And guess what, she never got that second date with the amazing, tall, handsome, sweet, romantic INTELLIGENT man…

So the moral of the story is that, instead of trying to be something you are not, start loving and appreciating yourself for exactly who you are and focus on attracting a man who will also love and appreciate exactly who you are. Stop believing that all men want dumb girls, because that’s all you’ll attract. And stop trying to “trick” a guy into falling for you by acting dumb, because that strategy will never work!

That’s how T sees it


6 Comments leave one →
  1. February 17, 2011 6:39 pm

    Wow, Miss Carolina had a few neurons crossfire! Poor girl – but what equipoise – Bravo!

    Incidentally, what did you do with the man who met the doctor? Was he a date – did you snag him? Perhaps she was dumber than the doctors on Grey’s Anatomy and didn’t figure into his expectations :p (everytime I go see my doctor, it astounds me that only a small part of the whole gamut of intelligence is used and that I didn’t try my hand at the profession…)

    Anyway, I believe, uh, that women, when they meet a man, make a choice, uh, to either coddle his, uhm, ego, or not. You’re absolutely right: if a decision is taken to coddle a man, both of them are not worthy of each other, ie. the girl shows a propensity to modify her sense of self-worth for some end result that inevitably will blow up in her face, ie. a dickhead taking advantage of her (she might not notice this since she’s lowered her expectations thus delineating somewhat what she’s about). I’ve met girls like these and one ought to sense it immediately. Conversely, you have some who resent this “response” and go head first into the opposite direction by actually inciting a guy into a temper via debasement or whatever (eg. “Ahhhh, miss your mommy little man”, etc.) That’s never actually occurred to me, but it’s certainly plausible, the nature of such a response, since I’m sure that many women are sick and tired of meeting fragile, self-centered men who deserve said medicine (a reason for how women write about men nowadays? – to look at those clumsy idiots in television commercials, just deserts I guess :p) Culturally, I think that men do not have to coddle women’s egos because women lie to themselves less (unless they’ve shot the theory of equal attraction to the curb and have settled for a sexy poolboy after shedding whatever illusions they may have wielded).

    I think that through our 20s we seek mirrors of ourselves. Most people marry those equal in intelligence and appearance, then comes personality, goals, etc. Hit your 30s and you lower your expectations, only to meet someone later that is closer to your own mirror and you get divorced. Love is really such a precarious and fragile affair to even begin, given our hyper-bombardment of choices in the media and our immediate surroundings in large metropolises. Those who are, like you say, above the norm in whatever psychometric test you give them, such as an i.q. test, and who are self-reliant, must balance, when they meet a potential partner, the loving cultivation of something worthwhile all by keeping at bay what may be better (especially at the beginning and even after in light of lax moral standards).

    Personally, after so many dates, I’ve almost given up, but I wish all of you girls the best of luck in finding your shining knight in modern armor (while I look for the female version of mine).

    Hope you don’t mind – I’ve appended an apropos poem. Take care.

    Edmund Spenser – My Love Is Like To Ice

    My love is like to ice, and I to fire:
    How comes it then that this her cold so great
    Is not dissolved through my so hot desire,
    But harder grows the more I her entreat?
    Or how comes it that my exceeding heat
    Is not allayed by her heart-frozen cold,
    But that I burn much more in boiling sweat,
    And feel my flames augmented manifold?
    What more miraculous thing may be told,
    That fire, which all things melts, should harden ice,
    And ice, which is congealed with senseless cold,
    Should kindle fire by wonderful device?
    Such is the power of love in gentle mind,
    That it can alter all the course of kind.

    • February 19, 2011 11:11 am

      “Incidentally, what did you do with the man who met the doctor?”

      That’s a complicated question, as Rae knows. But let’s just say I do still see him. Whether I have “snagged” him is yet to be seen… 🙂

      And you make a good point about the bombardment of choices, but that’s for another post.

      Thanks for your comment!

  2. February 18, 2011 7:20 am

    In view of these supposed statistics, I think it might also be a case of correlation vs. causation. Maybe, smarter women are more able to provide for themselves, and therefore do not need to rely on a husband to support them. Maybe a smarter woman is able to question the institution of marrige and its place in society, and analyse whether it is necessary, whether the concept is outdated. Maybe smarter women simply know better.
    I don’t know, but in my experience, the more intelligent the individual, the less they talk about marriage as something they want in their life. The smartest women I know tend to talk about almost anything other than “how to land a husband”, and both men and women of intelligence seem to value and be able to maintain their independence. The ditzier the individual (male or female), the more they seem conviced that one day they’re going to marry whoever they happen to be dating at the time. Maybe they’re looking for a surrogate parent, or maybe they aren’t willing or capable of seeing past the moment enough to understand that life, like people, changes. Whereas someone who doesn’t have their head up their ass realizes that it’s impossible to promise someone “forever” if you don’t even know who you’ll be twenty years from now- what you’ll learn between now and then.

    I don’t know. But I do know that it’s ridiculous to look at these statistics and jump to the conclusion that smart women are “doomed” to spinsterdom, instead of taking away that maybe, “smart” women are just the ones who have it figured out.

    • February 19, 2011 11:20 am

      I don’t think it’s necessarily true that just because an intelligent woman doesn’t talk about marriage it means she’s not that interested in marriage. Maybe she just has more interesting things to talk about with her intelligent friends who are also interested in a variety of matters beyond finding a husband.

      But I agree that the more intelligent you are, the more likely you would be to question the value of marriage, and, at least, not be quick to rush into it. No point rushing into getting married for the sake of being “married” just to wake up ten years later wondering what the hell happened to your life…

  3. March 26, 2011 2:46 pm

    Interesting point! A bit…different than mine, but interesting none the less.

  4. hannah permalink
    February 20, 2012 12:51 pm

    Smart women are less likely to get married because they are smart, not because men don’t want them.

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