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Question: The Last Minute Texter

December 14, 2010

Dear Rae and T,

I recently started seeing a new guy and I really like him. Our first date lated two and a half days! We just had this amazing connection right from the start.

Since our first date, he’s asked me out, a couple of times, but always at the last minute. At first I thought this was very exciting and spontaneous, but now I’m sort of getting tired of it. I know it’s only been a couple of weeks, but I would very much like him to ask me out on a proper date ahead of time, instead of texting me and asking to see me later that day.
What should I do?

Goddamnit! I'm already in my jammies!

Tanya’s side:
Dear Lea,
Thank you for your question. Don’t worry, this is not an uncommon problem, and one I think can be easily fixed.
The thing is, some guys are just lazy (and by some, I mean most). They will always try to get away with achieving the maximum results with the minimum effort. With this guy,you have been giving in to his last-minute date texts, so why should he try harder? He’s not going to wake up one day and just decide to make that extra effort to make plans with you ahead of time for no reason.
Don’t get me wrong: this does not make him a bad guy. The upside is that he clearly likes you. And it is quite possible that he is the type of person who just doesn’t like to have plans ahead of time. Some people prefer to keep their schedules open, giving them that flexibility to do whatever they want on a whim (ie he doesn’t want to be tied to plans with you Saturday night if his mate suddenly scores tickets to *insert cool band here*). But that doesn’t make this kind of treatment towards you ok, especially since you clearly feel uncomfortable with it.
The other upside is that when a guy likes a girl, he will generally WANT to please her.The amount of effort he will exert in his pleasing her is in direct proportion to how much he likes her. What does this mean for you? Well, it means that you have to demonstrate to him that the way to please you is to make plans with you ahead of time, at least once in a while. And I say demonstrate because men are creatures of action, and do not respond well to being told how to act.
The way to demonstrate this to him is to stop accepting his last-minute dates. Make like you are a very busy girl (which you should be because you’re fabulous!) and your schedule just gets booked up in advance. Also make sure you emphasize how disappointed you are that you can’t join him for his last-minute request, but you already have plans that you just can’t break. If he likes you (and has an IQ above a vegetable), he’ll make plans with you ahead of time after a few failures to get your attention with last-minute plans.
If he can’t even do that, I would say he’s either not very interested in you, or completely selfish and unthoughtful. Either way, it’s better to let him go. You clearly want someone who is going to treat you a certain way, and you’ll save yourself (and him) a lot of frustration and hurt feelings by not trying to force him to treat you that way if he is incapable of rising to the challenge of his own accord.
Good luck!
Rae’s side:
I actually don’t disagree with Tanya’s advice, Lea (if that is your real name). Well, not entirely. See, she insists on treating human relationships as some sort of elaborate game because, in her world, it’s always fourth grade. But she brings up an important point – do you really not have anything better to do on a given night that rush out to meet some guy who calls you at the last-minute, despite resenting him for it? If not, then get yourself a hobby!
Seriously, I agree that his behaviour suggests a certain lack of respect for your time. It also suggests a spirit of spontaneity. Or Attention Deficit Disorder. Or maybe he has to take a girl out at irregular intervals with no warning otherwise Parliament explodes. The point is,the only way to know why he doesn’t plan in advance is to ask him. Tell him it annoys you,and, if he doesn’t have a good reason, ask him to be more thoughtful. While I have absolute faith in Princess T’s skills at reading the mind of a person she’s never met, you are doing him just as big a disservice by assuming that he’s lazy and refusing to see him out of spite.You must communicate. You must. Repeat that into a mirror a few times if you have to.
In the meantime, let me ask you this: when he calls and invites you to something, do you actually want to go? If so, then there’s no reason why you shouldn’t. If not, then there’s no reason why you should. It comes down to that. An example: recently, my man called me about an hour before I was to meet him for dinner to tell me he’d just scored tickets to the Gourmet Wine and Food Expo. Did I refuse to go in order to make a point about his respecting my desire to choose where to eat? Hell no! We had a great time, despite not having planned for it, and all because I chose to go with the flow. I guess I’m just adventurous like that.
When a boy calls you, he’s offering you a fun time. Unless you’d have even more fun without him, there’s no harm in going along. But it sounds like you aren’t having fun, so I suggest this: find something that you DO enjoy doing to fill your time. Go dancing.  Start a reading group. Drink alone. Whatever. And then when he calls, you’ll have to decide whether to cancel that thing or not. When you choose not to (and you will), then maybe he’ll realize that your world doesn’t revolve around him, and maybe he won’t. But either way, you won’t care, because you’ll be having your own fun. And maybe, if you’re feeling especially friendly, you might even invite him along.
Rock on.

We have spoken.

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