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The Way We See It

March 19, 2010

The Rae Way

My first official boyfriend was an asshole. No, seriously- we’re talking total sociopath. He probably mutilated kittens while masturbating to a picture of Adolf Hitler or something. He totally tried to own me (even tricking me into an engagement), and for some reason, I stayed with him for three years. We even moved in together, and despite his using me, lying to me, stealing from me, assaulting me and eventually trying to kill me, it took me quite a while to kick him out. When I finally did, I discovered I had something amazing that I’d never experienced before: freedom. That, and my very own downtown 2-bedroom apartment.
I’ve experienced an array (or disarray) of relationships since, from boyfriends to fuck-buddies to stalkers who are sweet enough but don’t take a hint, and yet I’ve never found a relationship as conflicting, yet gratifying, as the one I have with myself. That might sound self-indulgent in an after-school special kind of way, but then I think back to those early days spent with a man who was unworthy of me, and I understand what the problem was. I put him first, selfless saint that I am, and was conforming to the socially-established fantasy that any problem in a relationship can be worked through if there is love, and it was my responsibility to do so. After a series of bad relationships that went on way longer than they should have, I finally called bullshit, and started doing what, and who, I wanted, without shame or obligation. I realized that monogamy was an outdated concept, and that relationships are organic, evolving entities that should be allowed to change, to grow, and sometimes even to die. And that’s okay. In fact, it’s natural.
I don’t want to be identified as someone’s “girlfriend”. We all have enough on our plates figuring out who we are as individuals without worrying about who we are in relation to someone else.
So, my current philosophy is this: do what makes you happy, and as long as you’re not hurting anyone, let convention and other people’s opinions be damned. All of our relationships would be healthier if we were only honest with each other. Sometimes people grow apart. Sometimes people change. Sometimes people love more than one person, and sometimes they fall out of love completely. You’re kidding yourself if you think that will never happen. So enjoy your partner’s company while they’re part of your life, and let them go when it‘s time to move on. Don’t own them, or let yourself be owned. Be honest, not manipulative, and call bullshit when you see it. And above all, be true to yourself.
Now, does this approach actually work in the real world, a world so convinced that love means belonging to one person forever? Well, that’s what we’re here to find out.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. March 23, 2010 1:04 am

    Very interesting! Can’t wait to read more!

  2. Patrick permalink
    April 18, 2010 11:37 am

    ya, me 2. I suppose a commensurate amount of baggage and understanding would be needed ya. Although I’m with you throughout the whole thing, I’d still dive in blindly, because I don’t believe in self-preservation. It’s a risk, of course, but so is giving a cold shoulder to a possible warm one because one’s carapace is always up quickly.

  3. Silvia permalink
    June 12, 2010 6:31 am

    I love both your takes, the humour and clarity of writting! I look forward to reading more!!

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